AppleHead

Tell me now,
Can you not hear me my voice?
Have you retreated too far beyond that what I now scream falls upon the dead ears of who doesn’t want to hear?
My please and screams don’t matter anymore.
Never truly mattered.
Because she still doesn’t understand what I’m screaming for.
Once it was that door that she always kept closed upon herself,
Keeping away how she felt and things that made her a better known human since her entire life had been so damaged.
Now all I seem to get is how fucked up I am to her,
Making her hate her life and choices,
Things she could change if she cared enough to admit,
“I was wrong”.
So much energy through my screams,
Constantly trying to see what she sees
and accept the fault of my own device
but every way I turn,
I just see that ever-growing hole that she’s made a permanent home,
Putting in light fixture and new tile,
Preparing for the ling haul away from my pleas of getting into her head.
Of all the things she’s said,
Nothing hurt more then,
“you could have been dead”.
But man she showed me that I always exert this energy,
Even from the womb,
Forcing her to lay down and continue my creation,
Carry for 9 months and even keep me with the inclination that I’ll be amazing someday.
She swears this large baby,
Called APPLEHEAD,
Would do some serious things in the world when the time was right.
But only because me,
The baby,
Asked to be here and forced the hand that made that womens choice to let live or die,
That little peanut she held inside.
But 18 years and sad story goes on to say that nothing earth shattering has came to this day to make that silly little lady want to continue the roulette game of her APPLEHEAD.
Just tit for tat,
Looked down at,
And walked over.
No help and no hinder.
That child of hers does her no good but then she remembers she raised her.
And that leads to another mistake,
Hurtful forget me not phrase.
“I could have abandoned you”.
But to her,
Sisters house, money, and logic means that lady raised all without help of hand.
But another silly goose she is proven to be,
Lady began to slip and slide and let things get in the way of what she acted like she wanted to say.
And when time was right,
Things fucked up and ruined,
She slipped away and decided to live again.
And she “could” have abandoned?
That she truly did. But truth be told,
It might have been the bet move she ever did.
For APPLEHEAD wanted big things and she did nothing to help,
Just kept her in.
So 18 years pass and my voice turns hoarse,
Cant keep screaming for her to hear me.
Cant always cry when she doesn’t see me.
And begging and pleading makes me unhappy.
So screams turn to my silence,Knowing she’s retreated too far to remember me as more than the old school things that once made her my mommie.

Not My Battle

Battle of words with no voice,

I just sit and listen because i have no choice.

No matter how hard i try 2 plead,

2 cry,

ur words jus rain down around me bu still leaves me dry.

I cant strike back or hold on 2 tight,

This battle isnt about me,

This aint my fight.

But somehow I see my name written all ova it.

But I'm certainly not the one that pushed you into it.

I just left myself free 2 fall into your arms

To look into your eyes,

To feel the love from you that you said would never die,

But our picture perfect world wasnt so great after all

Because of all the lies they told is how you let me fall.

To let me fall wasnt enough,

You added insult to injury on top of all THEIR stuff.

But pain is just a way to grow,

Another sign to let me know that no matter how you see your life,

life doesnt give a FUCK.

And just like life,

You've hurt me enough to show i need to fight,

that i do have a right to determine my life.

If by flaw or by fate,

Your face has now become another picture across my wall of those boys that did fail

And left me to recover after it all.

And that means your worth is nothing more than a 4-letter word,

like FUCK,

SHIT,

DAMN,

and the most famous,

LOVE.

Sick Game

Pain is supposed to be something of endearment,
But somehow,
We have all become pain seekers,
Masochists that don’t avoid the pain of everyday actions we once knew was no good for our own well being.
We allow ourselves to wallow in self pity and pain like some sick game that we can never really win.
But we still continue to put a coin in and get upset when the clawed hand rips at our hearts but drops nothing for us to keep afterwards.
Just a permanent mental image of us banging on the door of our soul,
Trying to get a part back that we were never supposed to give away.
That same part that another peal of pain will rip away and fold back,
Giggling as it eats away at your life.
Silly Little Pain!!
You aren’t supposed to be anything to us for we keep ourselves guarded,
Never open.
Yet the feeling you always tried to avoid somehow creeps upon your shoulders,
Slowly changing your posture to mirror the appearance of failure,
Of unbridled pain upon someone’s carefully contained heart that cringes away from the sudden change of its feeling,
Morphing the look of contentment within to anguish and anxiety on the outside.
Pain controls the dials of life,
Making every single person a part of its own sick game.

AiM

Hate when I just cant put into words the stuff I be feeling cuz I really cant keep it hidden.
I just cant say them right now in a way that you can see what I mean.
Just wait.
Wait for me to see what I need and if you can really give it to me.
And if you cant,
Then you really have to let me free,
Don’t hold onto me.
Just let me go
Cuz you cant keep something that we both know couldn’t be meant to be.
And it is up to me.
No matter how much you think you love me,
This aint working.
I keep running and you run after me.
But this time,
You gotta stop.
And let me move on.
But I still love you.
Really I do,
And that’s why I cant keep you…

Secrets Kept Away

Could you really not hold back the deepest,

darkest,

innermost secretive truths?
Or is holding on just too painful,
Memories splashing around in your head,
Making you think things you dare not speak?
To my ear you say what you want,
What you have got and haven’t,
The thoughts making me wonder what I really mean to you?
My secrets are like hot balls of fire burning at the base of my throat,
Threatening to come bursting through to claim its rightful place in my life.
You never let me pour out my soul,

feed you my pains and agony.
I hear yours and that piles up on mine to make me sink.
I lift a few to throw overboard

but get more of yours and then some of my own.
I just hold onto my dreams,

my agony,

my secrets.

Always lose...

Confused on what to do
When truly I want you but can’t hold you
Unless behind hidden doors to hide our passion inside of a bubble for only us to see.
Can’t ruin your words because it’s not me
But you who has his own way already
And wants to keep it for some more days
While I’m only the side line of your world but I’m okay with that.
I can’t keep myself in a prison of emotions
Unseen for you and then think of you as only my friend.
My prison seems to grow each time I have to let you know that I will always refuse to let you go.
And when I finally do,
You don’t want to say goodbye.
You’ll never be the one that I can run to if my head is ready to burst and my voice had gone hoarse from my anger in the school walls.
Only my speaker when the walls disappear and both walk up hills to enclose ourselves in another personal space for us.
I know you aren’t my Right when in all’s sights
But you can hold my hand when things fly by
And me with you look to the night sky
On the path of space as I kiss your face
And look to your eyes of love no longer denied.
I just can’t keep up with this game.
I’m always losing.

Reason to Smile

Give me a reason to smile,
Not hold my head down low,
And cry until I can’t cry no more.
Give me a reason to smile,
Even when your mind screaming loud
About you and yours not feeling so proud.
Give me a reason to smile,
If you feel the world is crashing down,
And you need something new that isn’t a frown.
Give me a reason to smile,
When you walk into a room
And see me smiling too.
Give me a reason to smile,
Because if you don’t smile,
The world won’t know it’s really you.

Role Reverse

No commitment.

No strings attached.

No ring on my left finger,

And for damn sure no arm around my neck.

I refuse to accept that same mediocre treatment,

the same wondering eyes && sly smiles that you hide behind with a wink && a nod,

most likley feeling secure in my lust for you.

You must be holding fast to the fleeting thought that I could beocme distracted from your smooth silky words && sugar coated actions.

It would give me just too much of the sweetest satisfaction to burst your bubble && allow you to flounder,

attempting to regain enough composure to somehow secure me to your arm once again.

Keep playing yourself from within because you truly hold nothing more than my sexual attraction to the rock hard muscle beneath your shirt && the deep lust filled loving I get whenever you respond to my beck && call.

I'm sure you've heard it all && thats why you seem to not see me clearly.

too many times someone had told you what you wanted to hear,

crooning sex lust in your ear,

making sure you felt like one of the greatest.

Now your surprised && dont know what this different taste is.

Not commitment,

cant be no strings.

this is my show now && i say what you get from me.

I demand something new,

different from the rest.

Your gonna appreciate me,

see me clearly,

and give me the best.

Lust after me && croon in my ear all those sexy sweet nothings that you love to hear.

Now the sides have changed for me where you open the door && ask my opinion on what we will do,

truth be told,

I've clearly captured you.

But now that your here,

in my grasp,

I drop the strings from around your wrists && leave.

BReaKDoWN

i JuST WaNT To SaY THaT PReSCRiPTioN MeDS aRe DRuGS Too...

The tears that have been in the back of her eyes suddenly pour out over her lids.
the thoughts that had been running in her head finally reach her mouth that longs for his kiss.
Her random moments of longing reveal themselves at last.
but does this help her in the middle of her breakdown?
her hands reaches up to her head and wraps themselves around the hair that she worked so had to keep healthy and beautiful.
her feet buckle under the weight that is the thoughts of all pain and injustice.
her kids run and hide from the obscene words that make her feel as if he feels the pain that she does.
but does any of this help her in the middle of her breakdown?
her screams that pierce the air find their way out of the house and into the streets of the hard world that has made her the way that she is.
the fists banging on the door that makes the kids look out of the windows and wonder if they should find better hiding places.
the urgent voice of a neighbor that pulls the eldest with long pretty braids and shells of the native lands to open the door.
the cries of a child left alone too long and partially forgotten jolts sympathy and confusion through the faces of the on-lookers.
and then the sirens that alarm the women into thinking the worst, not for for her children, but only for herself.
But does all of this help her in the middle of her breakdown?
Only if you have seen it could you truly know.

SToRY TiME

THIS IS A STORY. YOU GOTTA READ EM BOTH TO UNDERSTAND THE OUTCOME. IF YOU DONT GET IT, JUST ASK ME BOUT IT. ALTHOUGH ITS REALLY SIMPLE. LOL

Mama

No mama.
I don’t want to go.
Smiles of a pretty young girl imprinted to Mama’s mind.
Across the country,
The old pictures sit on the walls,
Plaguing Mama’s mind.
Abandonment at 5,
But to the eyes,
You’d think she was 9.
But Mama had to go,
Baby must stay.
Granny kept her and she was sad.
Mama left, no fear in her eyes.
Granny said it was just pride.
Baby screamed for Mama,
But to her surprise,
Mama had to keep going.
Baby cried until her little brown eyes disappeared,
Just like Mama did.

Forever, Maybe

Baby steps off the plane,
And looks around.
Baby brown eyes drinks in the place,
Many accents pulsing through her ears.
So she smiles wide across her face.
Baby goes to find her ride.
She’s too excited,
Ready to burst inside.
When she began to look around,
Baby jumped but had to calm down.
There was momma,
Pleased to see,
Her dear little Baby,
Just as grown as can be.
She smiled and looked at her eyes.
She looked at her and looked aside.
She knew that look all too well.
It was the reason that she had fled.
Her fathers smile, eyes and height,
Baby looked mighty sure nice.
But momma surly wanted to die.
She hadn’t seen those beautiful brown eyes.
Baby was just so grown now
And momma hadn’t seen her through it.
But why hadn’t she?
Because she went after Baby’s brown eyes,
But the other owner didn’t like her surprise.
So he fled to a whole other state.
And he left her behind.
But she aint wait.
She went after him and left Baby.
But Baby’s here now,
Forever, maybe.

Ruins

My body aches,
My voice shakes.
My thoughts are twisted,
My pain aint lifted.
My scars are open
And my wounds are burning.
But that still don’t stop my head from churning.
What has happened?
Who has ran?
Am I okay?
Can I even stand?
My clothes are gone,
My spirit broken.
My head is spinnin,
My thoughts are hopin.
I hear the voice,
And start to move,
Then I think,
“Are these real wounds?”

Like Always

And when that long awaited call comes through and the conversation hits a sour note, u wonder y u was waiting all day for it.
As if the fact that u were waiting for it made it a bad conversation.
And the aggravation of waiting for the call and frustration of it only being a call and not a moment together makes the tension high,
U more irritable.
And when u end the conversation before u really want to because of this mounted emotional state that you’re in,
U look at the phone as if it were it’s fault,
As if it had lost service or hung up on its own.
And then u thinks,
He’ll call back,
They always do.
And u sit here for a few minutes,
Glancing at the clock until a good 5 minutes pass and u realize that he truly is different because he hasn’t called back.
And he isn’t going to.
But u too damn proud to call urself and tell him wat really made u hang up the phone or maybe just a lie that will look better then the truth.
And then once again ur lost in ur own thoughts of this same boy,
The one that makes ur emotions act all at once and ruins something before it really gets started.
And those thoughts are the reason that u end up feeling like u are going to push away something that can be good and accept something that u kno is bad.
Like u always do.

Final Goodbyes

His voice dropped down low,
A little above a mouse whisper.
My head turned slow,
My heart began to quiver.
His eyes turned to the sky,
Blazing red hot.
He looks at me,
And I’m stuck to the spot.
He slowly walks,
Left hand in right.
If I didn’t know any better,
I’d say he was bout to fight.
He gets to me,
And lifts a brow.
My bodies trembling,
Shaking now.
I look to him
And want to scream.
It’s all playing out,
As if it were a dream.
He reaches out to touch me,
And I close my eyes.
He leans forward to kiss me,
Our final goodbyes.

Drip Drip

The long gash through her honey brown skin.
The silver razor beside her,
Easily found in the house,
Given carelessly as if it were a new toy.
She sits alone,
In her own corner,
Scared of life.
She catches her own tears as they fall and wonders,
Why she had to be the one,
Why she had to be the one that people didn’t care about?
She lets her long chocolate brown hair fall around her face,
Full of despair.
She smiles a cynical smile full of fears,
Eyes still full of tears.
And then she whispers to herself,
“I just hate the life you have dealt”
So instead of continuing through her days,
She takes her life,
As her two parents,
Women and wife,
Sit beside and watch.

Change

Slowly choking back the tears as the image of my fears materialize in front of my eyes as you begin to walk away from me.
Just to see the hurt and pain in your eyes,
Watching as the corners of your mouth dip even lower,
No longer a warm smile but only a hurtful sneer.
And as you being to come near,
You close your eyes, bite your lip, shake your head, and once again disappear.
The soft curls of your hair flake away as your honey brown skin leaves my view,
The pain invading my senses but my body knows that it’s not new.
All I ever wanted was you.
In this life I held your hand,
Fingers intertwined through mine,
Arms so close together that I could feel the tickle of your arm hair,
The tingle spreading a smile across my lips,
Something you will hopefully miss.
But once again,
That has all gone away.
But what the hell do you want me to say?
Yes I love you and that will never change.
But this continuous game is something you and I can’t seem to get.
Maybe because it wasn’t me and you
But you and her.
All because you thought I wasn’t there.
But you just weren’t being fair!!
Life is a game and for me to win,
I can’t fully stay the same.
I do gotta change.
But now you’ve gone too.
Leaving no constant of me and you.
Cuz life truly does change,
Leaving no constant of me and you.

Needing You

I just want you to move me to your side so to hide from all eyes that search me out to ask about the relationship you and I have created without really having dated as a couple.

Just to sit and await your touch that means so much to my simplistic life of awaited encounters to bind my soul to nothing I can hold from sheer fact that I can’t keep a thing but what you can shortly offer me.
A fleetful kiss of confused bliss that holds to both our lips as our eyes search for a sign that says this action isn’t mine.
But all I find is signs that plague your mind that you must know I find as you hold my hands as close to your heart as you can and hold me as you think of your loss and belief that you’re doing what’s right and okay.
I must keep you away from my heart of ice for fear you might melt me and pull me close and tell me how much love you’ve felt for me.
I can’t explain why I dream of your intense touch that makes my head turn,
Heart burn,
Full of passion that can only be fulfilled by the slight dance of your beautiful brown eyes upon my slender thighs
As I intertwine my fingers through your hair to keep my connection to you at all times.
Such a need never before seen now it’s just you and me left to play out this scene.

I am the Girl Who Never Speaks

I am the dreamer that dreams of love at first glance,
Love at first dance.
I am the lover and the fighter,
The one everybody fears.
I go into a struggle for my love
And never once will you see tears.
I am a singer who hides her voice,
Being in my family,
I have no choice.
I am the dancer,
The one nobody sees.
My dancing is virtual,
It’s just me.
I am the poet,
The words set me free.
I’m moving so fast,
My pain is a sudden rush for me.
My words are my allies,
The way to escape.
It helps me be me but it’s still my free.
I am the giver,
The one who never gets.
The one who shares but no one ever sees or cares.
I’m the one who gives without thought,
The one who never gets not a thing.
With as much as I give,
Something should have been bought for me.
I am Twinisha,
The girl who never speaks.
I’m drowning in my words
But I’m still standing on my feet.
I am the walls,
The ones that listens,
The ones that don’t see.
The ones that I hate so much,
The ones that I can never beat.

Ode To De'Angelo

Dark brown skin
That shines in the sun.
Strong, deep dimples
That got to his soul.
Curly black hair that makes you
Wanna
Run your fingers through it.
Bright smile that makes you
Wanna
Grin just as hard and beautifully.
The words that he says
Makes
You want to see
What
Really goes on in his head.
You won’t find
Anything
That makes a woman mad.
Just those sweet thoughts that he puts out
Daily.
Strong words that
Pull
You to think harder.
Smart remarks that
Can
Have you smiling all day.
But serious thoughts that
Make
You wanna stay at home.
Silly remarks such as
“I’m in love with a giraffe.”
“Zebra’s fly in the sky and guess what color they are?
Pink!”
And of course the famous,
“My best friend is Twinisha Longhead.”
They can make you
Laugh
For hours on end.
A sweet edge that makes you
Wanna
Tell him your problems.
A gentle nature that makes you
Wanna
Tell him your secrets.
A comforting kind of voice that
Reminds
You of soothing baby sound
That can
Make
You wanna fall asleep.
But always the sensual undertone of something more.

She's Only... My Mother

She’s so blind,
Illusional,
Delusional,
Caught up in the moment.
She’s so lost,
taken,
mistaken,
for the caring person they think.
She need something,
Someone
Anything
To bring her back to reality.
She wants the weed
The drink
The nicotine,
To keep her going.
She’s leaving behind
Her love
Her kids
Her life
That she has created herself.
She’s not thinking
“they need me”
“it’s not them”
“ I cant do this”
she’s only
a teenager
a child
a mother.

Scrap Of Fabric

When the bitterness seeps from my voice,
Hanging to every word.
Warping and stretching the meaning,
Contorting my intentions into the truth of the matter which is my damaged heart.
What do you say to me?
Do you grab my hands and spurt out words that magically heal a tear on the fabric of my being and try to reassure me that words mean everything?
Put my trust in some funny phrases and memories that are just the easiest way to make my frown turn upside down and see a smile grace my face once again?
That is truly no way to win because when I’m left alone again,
All those thoughts will disappear and leave me with my own sadness,
Trying to find the perfect scrap of fabric that will mend that newly formed hole in my heart.
But maaaaaaan!
You don’t know that’s just a start.
My heart will survive with new things to use but what about my pride that’s finally been bruised?
Or maybe my sincere integrity that means the world to me that’s been shattered by someone else’s lies?
There’s so much more inside that has to be repaired from a single moment of undecided bliss,
That non-existant kiss that was given wings to soar and a beak to peck away the happiness I was finally able to get.
The tears that I shed were only met with cold unyielding lies that were spread around without asking me what’s really going down.
But I don’t cry from the pain you caused me,
Ripping me to shreds with your cynical words of pain and anger that were aimed right at my heart.
With these words,
You tore me apart and left me to myself,
Wallowing in the confusion that had sprang to life the moment you held my hand and asked me how I truly felt.
Now I sit amongst those many before me who fell from grace amongst our deceitful society that plays games upon a persons fate,
Rummaging through the things left behind,
The scraps to mend our broken wills and fucked up minds,
The pieces to rebuild a nation within that cant collapse because now we have a love- proof creation.
Yet now the times have changed and the damage does remain along with some extra pain that wont just go away from my mind because the effect of you transcends our short time and holds me in that moment of foreverness with you.
Somewhere with the real you that doesn’t allow me to cry at anytime,
The real you that holds me and looks into my eyes…
Just give me the scraps to repair my damaged heart that will heal on its own and be ready to love again,
Brand new,
Aside from the scrap of fabric that is you.